Samantha

You and Me and The Moon.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 10:19:43 GMT

I got the date wrong for my GED class orientation. I requested off for today when the next one for evening classes is on October 6th. At least I'll be off that day, but it still pushes back my plans by a week or so. That, and I can't set up direct deposit until I get paid. Vacation is going well, though. I've been off of work since Saturday, and I go back on Wednesday at 9AM. I'm not entirely sure- I lost the piece of paper with my schedule written down on it. I need to become more organized and definitely better with saving up money. I'm not budgeting like I promised myself I would.

I suppose that's it.
I really need to fix some things.

PS. Just so you know, I'm happy.

Eternal Sunshine.

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:27:42 GMT

Today was nice. Kelsey and I met up with Casey in Wadsworth, and we had Applebee's for lunch. I've never eaten a burger with lettuce on it. Or onion. In my life. So good. Also, I'm thinking that three days off in about a month are in order for a trip down to KY.

I bought a bunch of things I needed today, as well. A bike lock, some shampoo and conditioner, new deodorant, etc. I also bought a bag of candy corn, which I surely didn't need, but it was delicious. Too bad I forgot the 98% full bag at Kelsey's house, right next to his computer. It'll all be gone by tomorrow. Oh, and I got some pumpkin spice creamer for my coffee in the mornings. So happy.

Right now, I'm:
- Craving my work's stir fry, or veggie sushi.
- Excited for buying new, warm fall clothes.
- Looking forward to Halloween.
- In love with my best friend.

Oh, and Saturday seems so far away.

Work tomorrow 11:30-8:30. I hate my new SFC's.

PS. I need to start saving my money.
Also- GED classes start Monday. I'm nervous, and also excited.
This entry has no point, sorry.

I hope:

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:34:48 GMT

That today is nice.

The world owes me nothing.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 02:33:27 GMT

Work wasn't long, but it sure felt like it. I told Michael that it felt like my entire body was breaking. He told me that when my Shoes for Crews come, it'll be even worse. </All Possible Hope>. Oh, and my cheeks hurt from smiling at every single person at Heinen's for the last six hours or so. Bitch, bitch, bitch. And so on.

I work again tomorrow, but I get off early. This means I get to spend time with my super-cool boyfriend. I have Thursday off, and this means I get to go shopping and take Casey out for breakfast/lunch/brunch/whathaveyou. Saturday Sunday Monday is also work-free, though I have my GED Classes orientation to go to, only for 2 1/2 hours, though. Colleen's coming with me I guess. I have to buy a bike lock.

I saw a huge praying mantis today. Was crazy looking.

Ani DiFranco's cover of Wishing and Hoping is so cute. It makes me happy. Also, downloads that have almost 10,000 seeds. HD quality show in under 20 minutes? Yes, please and thank-you. So I'm off to watch that now.

Also, finally on the road to getting my license, and buying a car.

PS. Bonnie bought me the coolest vintage-looking jacket the other day. I take for granted how awesome my life is sometimes.

I miss my love.
Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

This is what needs to get done.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:46:06 GMT

+ ~~Get a full-time job.~~
+ Open up a new bank account.
+ Renew my temps.
+ Practice driving morning/noon/night.
+ Take and pass my driver's test.
+ Purchase my car.
+ ~~Start taking GED classes.~~
+ Take and pass my GED test.
+ Start taking classes at Tri-C.
+ Look into schools for transfer.

I've already got one of the biggest and hardest completed, which was finding a full-time job. Now I've just got to push myself to do well so that I can cross everything else off of my list. It's just that so much of my time is being taken from me. I'm still getting used to it, I suppose. I know if I wasn't working as much right now, I would be wishing I was. Plus, the money is excellent.

I miss you. I wish I was with you right now.

EDIT: Two things scratched off the list. Good.

Pretty plastic shapes.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 02:39:18 GMT

I'm getting sick of people's shitty attitudes and the pain in my legs/back/feet/knees. I get off work and collapse, and I always hate that. I miss my boyfriend (he's in Kentucky), and I miss not going bankrupt. I need to take time off and leave the city. It's hard for me to keep going when I feel no motivation at all. I've just got to keep telling myself that it's only for now, because it is. Anyway, I hope to have my license sometime within the next month. And a car. Yeah, that might be nice.

I wish I could say that there is more going on, but there really isn't. I work, I come home, I sleep. Sometimes I see people that actually aren't buying things from Heinen's. I see so many faces everyday that it makes me sick. What is my problem? I guess I'm just fussy.

It's hard to describe the way my head is always spinning lately.

Forevermore.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:43:58 GMT

I had this big, long entry about how things are now.
Then I accidentally deleted it. Yep.

My life right now is work, work, thmb, family, boyfriend, running errands, and making monies.

Not in that order.

Can I make money by making art yet, instead of checking you out at Heinen's?

Highly unlikely.

my boy makes coffins.

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 02:39:18 GMT

worked thirty hours this week.
now i have two days off, including labor day.
i came home and collapsed. i really feel like hell.
my feet are just sore and i feel like i am coming down with something.
i'm even wearing socks tonight. when i need socks, there is a problem.

i haven't been able to find my cell phone.
i haven't made myself dinner yet.
i haven't had a cigarette in hours. (not because i don't have them, but because i feel like i might throw up at any moment.)
i haven't finished across the universe.
i haven't talked to kelsey all day.
i feel mean and cranky today, so that is probably a good thing.

i really need to eat.
i work almost forty hours next week.
whatever, i suppose. welcome to the real world.
except, my real world will not consist of checking you out in lane 8 for the rest of my years.
not even three of them, if i plan things accordingly.

time to eat.
time to go to bed.
time to do lots of things.
where is my time going?

i guess i should be happy.
it is, after all, being converted into monies.
however, i wouldn't mind if it wasn't and all my time was spent in some kind of infinite autumn where i can just jump in piles of leaves all day that aren't infested with bugs and other gross things. drinking warm cider. carving pumpkins. picking perfectly ripe apples. oh, and going on a hay ride. october is my favorite month and it is so close, i can taste it.

untitled?

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 18:46:23 GMT

first day of work was awesome.
everyone is really nice and helpful.
i filled out paper work and got my uniform and hung out with brianna for a bit.
we won't start hands-on training until tomorrow, however.

but: i'm really happy with the pay and their flexibility.
also, the fact that i don't have to work on holidays. ever.
they paid for my shoes for crews, too, which is really nice.
i've just gotta pay a $5.00 difference, but hey.

i'm excited to start. i just hope it isn't too hard, and that i enjoy it.

tomorrow i've got to go pick out some work pants, which shouldn't be much of an issue.

ps. there was a crackhead who tried to get on the bus on my way home,
with a bus pass fashioned out of construction paper and blue crayon.
fucking cool.

i wish it was yesterday.

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 08:14:04 GMT

i don't like getting into fights. no, not at all.
i need to learn to be more stoic. or at the very least, laid back.
i want a 'whatever' attitude about things that aren't important.

but anyway.

i found out i know four people that i work with so far. five, counting someone i 'know of'. i'm not sure if monday is orientation or not, but i'm assuming so. i don't think they would just throw me out to sea without one. i'll call tomorrow and figure that out.

finally, i'll be able to get out of the house, work hard, and make some money. then i'll be able to get a car, get my ged, and start taking my basic classes at tri-c. after that, i'm not sure. i know i want to make films, more than anything. i just don't know where i'm going to end up. i'd like for it to be portland, but who knows?

i want to do something outside tomorrow. its going to be 70 degrees and sunny.

my entries lately suck.
nothing cool is happening right now.
its all bad feelings and anxiety with a bit of hope.

updates.

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 16:03:14 GMT

i start my new job on monday. i'm incredibly nervous. i need to go through my mom's shoes for crews catalog tonight and pick out the least heinous option. however, i have no idea which to wear for training. all i wear are flip flops, sandals, and flats. there's my hideous, crusty, black work shoes- but that isn't even an option. you don't wear black shoes with khaki pants and a light blue oxford shirt. wow, i don't usually post entries about this kind of shit. i'm just being really anal because of how anxious i am.

kelsey is downstairs with jeff inventoring a bunch of cameras and lenses they bought at a garage sale for $85.
we just got back from the zero-landfills thing, where i got some old web design texts. ♥

i'm going to be a nervous wreck sunday night.
i just don't want to fuck up terribly. i mean, i'm great with people and i've had about 5 years experience working with cash registers, but never at a grocery store. i'm afraid of produce codes and mean people. oh well. i'm sure i'll be fine. it's always difficult starting a new job. at least i'll know brianna, and michael.

simon and garfunkel are so good.
they're all i've been listening to the past couple of days.
fuck yeah.

fall in love, and fall apart.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 10:38:48 GMT

i'm just kind of sitting here, thinking about the times in 6th grade when i would dress up, ride my bike up to the indie record store on madison (not my mind's eye!), and sadly try and flirt with the owner. i think he was 10+ years older than me. i tried to hold really unintelligent conversations about music with him, and it just didn't work. i'm pretty sure i was in the 'hawthorne heights' stage at that time. go figure. anyway, i forget his name- i think it was adam. little memories like this just make me smile to think back on. i was so strange.

by the way:

i'm a monster when i pms.

coeur de colibri

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:33:15 GMT

not hearing from heinen's yet is really frustrating me. the hiring manager said he would give me a call, 'hopefully', if he wasn't too busy with his meetings all day and whatnot. i still don't think that they would be shitty and keep stringing me along whilst giving me hope like this, just to say no to me. i've been in contact with them for almost three weeks, i believe. but it's whatever. i'm approaching all of this with a more laid-back attitude from now on.

also, i'm learning how to pixel again! i want to be as good as i was back in seventh grade.
hopefully some of the talent is still left in me.

short post today.
oh well.

i'm at a loss.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 23:10:22 GMT

wellwellwell

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 10:28:13 GMT

i've spent the last few days with kelsey, and now i'm home. everything feels very weighed down here. tense. i saw my mom cry for maybe the third time in my entire life today. she came home from work around 2:00AM (she is a restaurant manager and works very long hours), and i went out into the living room to say hi. she definitely looked upset, so i sat down, and proceeded to talk with her for maybe 15/20 minutes about what was going on. i guess the re-po guy came on thursday and took one of our two cars away- my mom's. then she told me about how the rest of her week has been so shitty. i hugged her, told her i loved her, and then she started crying. i really do love my mom, more than anything in this world, and i hate hate HATE to see her upset about something that has happened. all i know is that we are really struggling with money right now, which is why i feel like shit for asking (and receiving) such an expensive birthday present- my laptop. so, times are hard i guess. but they're hard for everyone right now. it is just strange because things like this have never happened to us and my mom has always been really good with her finances and keeping things in order. i don't know, i'm just not happy right now. she's going to try and go down to the place tomorrow and get our car back. i'm keeping my fingers crossed in hopes that everything will work out just fine.

but, yeah.
shit happens.
then you take care of it if you can, and you move on.
that's all, i suppose.

alright, it is about 6 in the morning.
i'm going to have one last cigarette and then go to sleep.
in MY bed again! <3

doodoodoo.

pretty bird.

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 13:09:07 GMT

loneliness ensues, yet again! maybe i need to get out of the house or something. i miss human interaction. concerning heinen's: i returned the call of the assistant manager the day after my birthday. she then informed me that the hiring manager would be on vacation until tuesday and to call back then, as she was 'waiting for him before we could begin moving forward'. oh well. at least she wished me happy birthday. too bad i called her by the wrong name. whoops. even if i do end up getting this job, there are still so many things left to do. first there is getting my temps & opening up a new checking account at a DECENT (ahem, not national city) bank. those are easy. as is getting my license. studying for the ged- not so much. i'm terrible at math. it's the only part that scares me and keeps me at bay. stupid numbers. then of course there is school and more school and moving out and all that business that i can't even start worrying about until everything else is finished- but that doesn't stop me from worrying, still, now does it? nope. major anxiety, always.

eighteen doesn't feel big and important like i thought it would years ago. all that happens is that i can:
(+) buy cigarettes.
(+) do things without a parent's help.
(+) register to vote.
(-) go to jail.

so far the pros outweigh the cons.
but the list goes on and on.
too bad i'm too exhausted to continue.

time for sleep.
ps. i have money for once, take me to do something far away.

not happy.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 22:07:37 GMT

am i selfish?

eep!

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 02:07:33 GMT

this is all mine!
+ best buy gift cards & a bit of cash.
and a new desktop for mommy! ♥

shinto was AMAZING, little delicious is by far the best sushi roll i have ever tasted in my life.
now i'm going to sleep after i install a few more things.
gotta get up early for kels and best buy shopping. ^^

i'm eighteen today!

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:29:36 GMT

(i can do shit now!) i was too excited to sleep for some reason, so i got out of bed, had a cup of coffee, and watched bad morning shows all by myself. mike went to work @ nine, and mama is still asleep. daddy and tanya are taking me out for hibachi, for which i am reaaally pumped. i get to see ryder and get birthday kisses. but, yeah. 17 felt exactly the same, only now i can buy cigarettes and be in porn. life is good. celebrating with kels thursday<3.

i was yours, right?

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 02:49:44 GMT

feeling so upset over the things i will never be able to say.

the hangover was lame.

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 06:20:00 GMT

minus a few decent parts. uncle bill cooked an amazing dinner and grandma and i stayed up gossiping. she gave me a nice birthday care and some monies<3. also, i think i might have found a job, thank god. i turn eighteen in three days. full of anxiety now, but it will fade. i feel so many things right now, but i think i am at a really good place in my life at the moment. i have a lot to be thankful for- a possible job, goals, a boy i care for with all my heart, a supportive family. i have a long way to go still, but there is no doubt in my mind i will get there, wherever it is i'm headed. goodnight!

last post.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 21:58:17 GMT

at least for a little while. maybe a few weeks. i am so anxious to find out about the decisions of the companies i interviewed for, that it is freaking me out 24/7. not good. and then there is the looming feeling that i am just wasting my time on other things and i need to work to make myself happy, above all others. i just feel overwhelmed, and depressed lately- but giving up is not an option. also, my birthday is in about a week now...and i am afraid for reasons that will never make any sense. i am just acting like a nuerotic mess lately and i wish things would just return to calm.

oh, bother.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 00:07:41 GMT

two interviews were had this week.
both went seemingly well.

birth control is making me feel weird and sick, i don't like it and i want the shot.
fuck.

blegh.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 06:39:07 GMT

i am sick. sore throat. hurts to talk; hurts to eat. i am laying in bed watching movies and i think i just may do this all day. oh, and sleep. revolutionary road made me so sad, by the way. go watch it. epic dialouge, beautiful cinematography. when i get money i am definitly going to spend all day out at theatres- food, inc., 500 days of summer, taking woodstock, and paper heart. i am a huge film nerd. i will talk movies with you for hours. guess i've chosen the right career path to take?

sometimes,

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 20:19:51 GMT

you know just when to quit.